By Karen McNenny
Divorce is a challenging time for families, especially for children who find themselves navigating the emotional and logistical complexities of having two homes. As parents, it’s natural to struggle with the transition to co-parenting, and it can be easy to slip into the habit of using your child as a go-between. However, it’s crucial to remember that your child is not your spy. Involving them in adult conflicts or making them feel like they need to take sides can have long-lasting negative effects on their emotional well-being.
A popular movie that my own children loved growing up was *Spy Kids*. They would dress up, play with spy gadgets, and immerse themselves in a world of codes and eavesdropping. It was all fun and games—until my own children became part of a real-life situation that mirrored these playful scenarios in a much less innocent way.
When our family transitioned to a two-home dynamic after divorce, I quickly realized how easy it was to inadvertently put my children in the position of spies, negotiators, or messengers between their parents.
This realization made me understand that, while we may be imperfect humans and new to co-parenting, it is our responsibility to avoid placing our children in such roles.
Children should never be burdened with adult problems. When we ask them to relay messages, share information, or express our grievances about the other parent, we place them in a compromising position.
It forces them to navigate complex emotions and adult conflicts that they are neither equipped nor responsible for handling. This is not only unfair but can also lead to feelings of guilt, confusion, and divided loyalty in the child. They may feel pressured to take sides, which can strain their relationships with both parents.
I experienced this firsthand when my daughter, in the middle of a mild rant I was having about her father’s decisions, turned to me and said, “I don’t really want to hear about it. You should take it up with Dad.”
Her words were a wake-up call.
She was right—I was putting her in an uncomfortable position, one that no child should have to endure. I immediately apologized and told her that she had my permission to call me out if I ever did it again. This moment was a turning point in my co-parenting journey.
Giving children the tools to protect themselves from being put in these difficult situations is essential.
One simple phrase that can act as both kryptonite and armor for them is,
“That sounds like a great question for Dad/Mom. You should take that up with your co-parent.”
This empowers the child to gently excuse themselves from the conversation and reminds the parent that the child is not a messenger. It also helps prevent the child from feeling the uncomfortable split of being caught in the middle of their parents’ issues.
Keeping your kids out of the middle of adult conflicts is not just advisable; it’s necessary for their emotional health.
As parents, we must be mindful of our actions and words, ensuring that we don’t inadvertently turn our children into spies, negotiators, or mediators. Instead, we should provide them with the support and tools they need to navigate this new family dynamic with as little stress as possible.
Our children deserve to be children, not intermediaries in adult matters.
