Episode 99 with Dr. Carol Hughes
What happens when parents wait until the children are grown to divorce—only to realize their adult children are deeply affected by it?
In this upcoming episode, Karen McNenny sits down with Dr. Carol Hughes, clinical psychologist, collaborative divorce pioneer, and two-time Fulbright Scholar, for a conversation that challenges one of the most common assumptions in family divorce dynamics:
That adult children don’t need the same care, protection, and intentionality as younger children during divorce.
This episode explores the emotional realities of gray divorce, the hidden impact on adult children, and why families often underestimate how deeply divorce reshapes relationships—regardless of age.
What Is Gray Divorce?
Gray divorce refers to divorce among adults over the age of 50—and it’s becoming increasingly common.
In this conversation, Karen and Dr. Hughes discuss the dramatic rise in gray divorce over the last several decades and why experts believe the numbers will continue climbing in the years ahead.
But while much of the conversation around gray divorce focuses on finances, retirement, and starting over later in life, this episode shines a light on a group that is often overlooked:
The adult children.
The Myth That Adult Children “Can Handle It”
One of the biggest takeaways from this episode is the idea that adulthood does not erase emotional vulnerability.
Many parents assume:
- “They’re grown now.”
- “At least they’re not little kids.”
- “They’ll understand.”
But according to Dr. Hughes, adult children often experience divorce in ways parents don’t anticipate—and sometimes don’t even recognize until years later.
This conversation explores why adult children can feel caught between parents, how loyalty conflicts quietly develop, and why emotional safety still matters long after childhood ends.
The Emotional Patterns We Carry Into Conflict
Karen and Dr. Hughes also dive into the neurological side of divorce conflict, including the “five F’s”:
- Fight
- Flight
- Freeze
- Fawn
- Feign
Without revealing too much, this part of the episode offers powerful insight into why families react the way they do during divorce—and how understanding these patterns can completely change the process.
A Different Vision for Divorce
One of the most fascinating moments in the episode is Dr. Hughes’ retelling of how the collaborative divorce movement began—with a single letter written by Minnesota attorney Stu Webb in 1990.
That letter sparked a global movement focused on reducing harm, preserving relationships, and helping families transition with greater dignity and care.
Karen and Dr. Hughes discuss how collaborative divorce approaches can help parents:
- Reduce fear and uncertainty
- Improve communication
- Create healthier transitions for adult children
- Keep family relationships intact after divorce
Why “Family Before Finances” Matters
Another major theme in this episode is the idea of putting family relationships at the center of divorce decisions—not just financial outcomes.
Karen and Dr. Hughes discuss why starting with the question:
“What kind of family do we want to be after this?”
can lead to dramatically different outcomes for everyone involved.
The Conversation Adult Children Need Parents to Have
This episode also touches on practical ways parents can approach:
- Holidays
- Family gatherings
- Major transitions
- Future relationships
without forcing adult children into uncomfortable roles or emotional pressure.
If you’re navigating gray divorce—or know someone who is—this conversation offers a perspective that is compassionate, nuanced, and deeply needed.
Final Thought
“Divorce is not a weapon — it’s a tool. And when used well, it can be a tool for transformation.”
That idea sits at the heart of this powerful conversation.
🎧 Listen to the Full Episode
This blog only scratches the surface of what Karen and Dr. Hughes unpack in this deeply insightful episode.
If you’ve ever believed adult children are unaffected by divorce—or if you’re trying to navigate gray divorce with greater care and clarity—this is an episode you won’t want to miss.
Resources Mentioned in the Episode
- 📖 Dr. Carol Hughes’ book: Home Will Never Be the Same Again: A Guide for Adult Children of Gray Divorce— available at Barnes & Noble and all major booksellers
- 🌐 Dr. Hughes’ divorce website: divorcepeacemaking.com
- ✍️ Dr. Hughes and Psychology Today: Visit Psychology Today’s guest blog
- 📖 Karen’s book: The Good Divorce: How to End Your Marriage Without Ending Your Family
- 🎓 The Good Divorce Academy: Karen’s online community and classroom for ongoing support and education
- 🌐 Work with Karen directly: thegooddivorcecoach.com
- 🤝 Collaborative Divorce Solutions of Orange County
- 🌍 International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP) — trains collaborative divorce professionals worldwide
- 📖 Workbooks referenced: Our Family in Two Homes and A Family in a Few Homes — created by a Canadian collaborative divorce attorney for use with minor and adult children respectively
“Divorce is not a weapon — it’s a tool. And when used well, it can be a tool for transformation.” — Karen McNenny
